"I might have been guilty of some runaway self-indulgence from time to time. I mean, I used to literally drink pearls and once declared war on Neptune. But is America really going to sully its iconic symbol of democracy with Dana White’s CTE speedrun machine?"
"Sure, genetically engineering a potato two stories tall to create a potato battery large enough to power every clock on campus wasn’t the most obvious way to create a renewable source of energy. But it’s not my fault a fraternity stole the potato and turned it into vodka."
"So, the president just posted that he’s not going to follow the law anymore. And naturally, our readers want to know if that’s legal. That’s not for us to say—we are not lawyers; we are journalists. What we do know is that it’s unprecedented."
"I awaken from sleep with the unparalleled energy of someone who has an entire school-sanctioned day in which to humiliate their offspring."
Strong final paragraph, and it's true.
“It’s definitely unusual to see a president pardon himself for crimes he has not yet committed. To be frank, we didn’t realize there were crimes he hadn’t yet committed.”
Cypto explained
"Yes, we know it’s a bummer. However, due to low ticket sales, low hotel bookings, and generally low enthusiasm, oxygen is the only necessity left for us to exploit."
"You spent hours researching baby strollers, reading safety reports, and scouting sales. Did you consider studying basic quantum physics instead?"
buff.ly/vKoxYUU
“In many ways, he’s like a magician pulling infinite bunnies out of a hat, except the bunnies are tax fraud. We can’t think of a precedent in modern history....
“I know this might seem surprising coming from me. And don’t get me wrong, I’m no stranger to bread and circuses. But considering that the price of bread is ...
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“Yes, we know it’s a bummer. However, due to low ticket sales, low hotel bookings, and generally low enthusiasm, oxygen is the only necessity left for us to ...
“Yes, that’s me slathered in butter because I was trying to become so frictionless that I could slide on my belly all the way from my Harvard University labo...
buff.ly
“You spent hours researching baby strollers, reading safety reports, and scouting sales. Did you consider studying basic quantum physics instead?”
www.mcsweeneys.net
“I awaken from sleep with the unparalleled energy of someone who has an entire school-sanctioned day in which to humiliate their offspring.”
"In many ways, he’s like a magician pulling infinite bunnies out of a hat, except the bunnies are tax fraud. We can't think of a precedent in modern history. But is this good or bad? We’ll leave that question to the historians."
“So we’re trading stickers we can’t see,” Sophie says.
“Yes,” Ms. Delgado answers.
“And we know we have them because of the list.”
“Yes.”
“And nobody is in charge of the list.”
“That’s correct.”
Liam raises his hand. “What if someone takes the stickers?”
"While I may provide a few seconds of relief, if you’re searching for meaning and direction in your life, I’m sorry; I’m just a cute kitty stretching at your local bodega."
“In many ways, he’s like a magician pulling infinite bunnies out of a hat, except the bunnies are tax fraud. We can’t think of a precedent in modern history....
At 9:03 a.m., Ms. Delgado makes the mistake of asking the class what their parents do for work. “Dentist,” says Maya. “Firefighter,” says Liam. “Bus driver,”...
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“I can’t do anything about your unaffordable rent or exorbitant student loans; I have no expenses in my life. I live in a potato chip display and sleep twent...
One of a surprisingly rare number of political satire pieces I’ve seen that supremely sticks the landing. Read it to the end.
St. Simeon the Holy Fool
A large pot sits in plain sight. There’s a frog in it.
Every day, Leader announces his plans to boil the frog. His campaign slogan was “BOIL THAT FROG.”
A man stirs the pot with a large stick. “It’s a metaphor,” he says.
The frog is sweating.
A large pot sits in plain sight. There’s a frog in it. Every day, Leader announces his plans to boil the frog. His campaign slogan was “BOIL THAT FROG.” A ma...
