well this is certainly a movie in which a number of decisions were made, not least of which being a script that reads like it was written fifteen years ago. the tone flits glibly between embarrassment over the source and knowing winks to the fans. a familiar dance that just seems tired in 2026.
in which we journey back to 1983, for the first ever Marvel work of a future star: Mr Bret Blevins himself, his freshman shoulder to the plow for a comic book adaption of arguably Jim Henson’s most striking achievement: The Dark Crystal.
like, if you’re only going to put Orko in the movie for twenty seconds, don’t even bother. why not use fucking Gwildor if you insist on having an Earth setpiece.
you fucked up and you’re not going to get a second chance. good job teasing a bomb-ass sequel that will never materialize.
well by now my one bargain ticket ain’t gonna make the difference in the career trajectory of a pest, so let’s wallow in nostalgia for when I was four.
is 2026 way too late for He-Man? good god, what were they thinking??? everyone who ever liked He-Man is old! at least I’m the only person here.
Salò
but, it must be said: Trap Jaw, Triklops, Evil-Lyn, Beast Man - all *perfect.* even, sigh, Skeletor looked perfect, though literally any actor in the world could have done that role with all the mo-cap involved.
Ram-Man? my dude! perfect. they got a lot right … just not enough.
there were good parts, yes, lots of good in isolation - Idris Elba carries the movie like Atlas every moment he’s onscreen, the translation of the toy designs was pretty great. but the plot itself was tired and Adam a schmuck. the character I most wanted to see was only in it for twenty seconds. 🤷🏻♀️
half of Skeletor’s goons were generic monsters - where the hell was Mer-Man? Webstor? Faker? Spikor, of all people, got a lot of camera time for Wave 4. Roboto was great but no Man-E-Faces? what are we even doing.
and if the Masters’ code names were all Adam’s invention - what are their real names?
if you haven’t read “The Cheese and the Worms,” take this as your opportunity from the universe - the rare piece of academic history that’s not merely accessible but funny. turns out history is filled with funny little guys.
