Sealant Team Six guarding our vulnerable shores against Algae-Qeada, Algaetifa. And Algae Sharpton.
Letters From the Front: The War on Algae
Dear Clara
Placid, shimmering waters. That has changed. Blooms of decay fill the air, like my basement apt. Vandals hiding in the trees and water. I am the sword of vengeance wrapped tightly in the fist of an angry god, and I just wanna go to Cracker Barrell.
There's just one place in this entire country that is completely safe, fully insulated from the darkness, a place to hide out, a spot undiscovered, undetected, and liberated from consequences....
The Epstein Files.
The reviews are in.
"I'm lichen it. Except for the bigly words"--Eric Trump
"He makes me look better every day"--Spiro Agnew
"Go fuck yourself, and your couch"--Dick Cheney
"He spelled potato right"--Dan Quayle
"He doesn't have a pretty mouth"--Ned Beatty
"He'd last 4 hours in Appalachia"--Cletus
"O' great Stick God, we summon thee. In memory of our dear departed friend Cricket, we ask thy great one to unleash a lightning bolt of botox directed at you know who. Dog's speed."
FBI Director Kash Patel has added Algae Green (soul singer and member of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame) to the FBI's most wanted list.
"The FBI has a long history of going to war against one-cell organisms. We stopped Al G. Capone, and we will stop Algae Green," said Katel.
I have the 4th largest collection of personalized orange golf balls in the tri-state region.
The best thing about living along a golf course is living along a golf course. Green. Grassy.
The worst thing about living along a golf course is living along a golf course. Lots of assholes. Mean. Assy.
The Manchurian Cantaloupe has successfully invaded and acquired Greenland.
I tried the Dilberito. It was Scott Adams' burrito creation of soylent green chiles and vitamins. Adams departed this mortal coil today. Spoiler: he morphed into a cruel creature. Part of Adams is still in me--my intestines have been unable to process that Dilberito.
Went grocery shopping. WTF. Somebody pissed off Poseidon. The seafood prices are insane...
Crapulent Catfish $16.99/lb
Simplistic Salmon $18.99/lb
Mediocre Mahi Mahi $23.50/lb
Half-witted Halibut $23.79/lb
And Obtuse Barracuda is 24.95/lb. My days of enjoying the dumbest fruits de mer are history.