[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zookeeper: Again, this isn’t animal prison
[hiking in bear-filled woods]
Friend: Wait do you have food in your pockets?
Me: Haha no why would I have ham in my pockets?
Friend: I didn’t say ham
Me: Ok detective
dang exactly how much 69-ing did Bryan Adams do that summer??
FOUND: Flying fish. Colorful feather-like scales. Can talk w/ limited vocab. Sneaky eyes. Refuses to stay in water.
Take me down to the Paradox City where the grass is green and the grass isn't green
Turtle 1: It’s cool how we always carry our house with us
Turtle 2: Which is also our coffin
Turtle 1: What the fuck’s wrong with you, Jeff?