if ur a longtime moot/friend u can also ask for my signal, where i feel safest
still deleting soon. idk when i'll be back. might be a week. might be longer. but the new acc will feel nice n fresh and i'll be more regulated whenever that happens. won't be a continuation of what happened here
im waking up really ill n spinny, cant even get up to get the meds 😵💫 gonna try and crawl. then spending the next chunk of hours with my friend
thanku everyone who reached out, even when u didnt have many words and u just wanted me to know u care. it means a lot
anyway nini i need to sleep
if the world ever loses me one day, it won't be because i hated myself. it'll be because the world fumbled the gem that i am and i finally shattered
but me ?? i'm smart, creative, thoughtful, honest, compassionate, sweet, sincere. i'm flawed, offbeat, stubborn when it matters. i yap, i love, i cry too much (i never used to). i lean low empathy but choose kind acts every time, bc u don't need to feel what others feel to try and be a good person
my suicidal ideation has been up high again the past few weeks (im safe), but like, i dont actually hate myself. its everything else. its society. its survival. its people. its being disabled. being misunderstood. being traumatised. there's only so much in my control n trust im doing that work
and by the way. even at my worst, i havent gone out of my way to crybully a vulnerable unwell person. fuck that person. i mean i hope she gets help but also fuck her. and fuck everyone who disappeared on me when i needed them. be better humans
i was abt to apologise for my crash out but actually im allowed to be mentally ill n messy !! people are consistently awful to me but im expected to be calm n collected abt it every time it happens. im human and ive Been Thru Shit. for once i deserve some compassionate understanding
perfect tldr of what just happened to me today ty (thank u for supporting me esp the last couple weeks, u've been an amazing friend i truly appreciate u)
ive been fighting so much suicidal / sh ideation the past few weeks n now i feel guilty on top of everything. but she unblocked me to publicly scold me n gaslight me. all i did was defend myself. im so confused and i want to throw up