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The March 2026 front page of The Onion newspaper. Never miss out again and become a member at https://membership.theonion.com/?campaign=701cx00000IyUfBAAV.
“While I will soon appear once more upon the earthly realm, My sole focus during this Second Coming will be various woodworking projects and not the establishment of a messianic kingdom,” said Christ, the Light of the World
“The first one is undeniably a classic, number one with a bullet, truly the best,” the president said during a press conference
Pros And Cons Of Ending Birthright Citizenship https://theonion.com/pros-and-cons-of-ending-birthright-citizenship/
JERUSALEM—In an effort to soften the blow for a human race eagerly awaiting His glorious arrival, Jesus Christ, the Son of God, clarified Monday that His return would be strictly limited to His carpen...
WASHINGTON—As he struggled to remember how his remarks on sending more troops to the Middle East had digressed into a tangent on the blockbuster movie franchise, President Donald Trump reportedly beca...
Even Trump Unsure How Rambling Speech On Iran Veered Off Into Ranking The ‘Pirates Of The Caribbean’ Films https://theonion.com/even-trump-unsure-how-rambling-speech-on-iran-veered-off-into-ranking-the-pirates-of-the-caribbean-films/
Rusty TSA Agent Sticks Hand Into Wrong Cavity
Kristi Noem Defends Use Of Force On Own Face https://theonion.com/kristi-noem-defends-use-of-force-on-own-face/
“Despite what the radical left says, this has been the most successful operation ever carried out on my face,” said outgoing Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem
Dark times call for reckless purchases. https://store.theonion.com/products/the-onion-dark-mode-t-shirt?variant=42154992795717
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WASHINGTON—Saying the expansive response was entirely justified based on the dire state of her physical appearance, outgoing Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem defended the use of force on her ow...
ANOTHER bankrupting ruling against America’s favorite funnyman.
As they said on “Fat Albert,” it’s like school in the summertime: No Class.
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